Rhiannon’s Issues

I have been through some serious stuff within the last couple of years. I keep thinking maybe I can write a blog to help others learn from my experiences. Welcome to Rhiannon’s Issues.

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chapter 14: onward and upward

and I was right, but I think I may be the common denominator, and I just continued to take it one day at a time, the past 3 and a half months have been rough, and not letting up. the people I work with leave much to be desired, but my health insurance finally kicked in and I went to the doctors the other day, and I have a prescription, for fluoxetine, which is apparently a generic version of prozac, but the dr alluded that it may help with my PMS issues. i have to take it for 3 weeks before I see results, so here’s hoping.
I will say, one particular difficult person at work has left, which gives me hope, she is leaving after 2 people have quit since I came, one person only comes in half the time (after taking a month off) and another good person /worker will also be leaving, making the work load somewhat heavier

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Chapter 13: Some things never change

Alright, made it through the month, and my last day of work at sugar land, and now dread is seeping in, that I may end up hating this job too.
If that happens I want to remember these thoughts
Make it through 2 years, you’ve made it through 2 years up to now, if you make it through 2 years you might have enough money to afford to get out of here.
Remember how you were talking to manerva about how sad you were that you were about to turn 35 and you felt you hadn’t accomplished anything and you checked your voice mail and found a message from HCPL on it, asking you to call them back for a interview. remember how you felt at the moment you realized something was actually finally happening? and then after the interview when you got the call that you had been selected and verbally agreed to take the position, how happy you felt knowing you would soon be earning $14 an hour, more than you have ever received any where else, plus benefits.
As I write this it is only a couple days before I start, and the possibilities that are opening up before me are tremendous.
I will have healthcare, healthcare that kyle was jealous about.
i can try to seek help for my depression and anxiety, and I really hope I do. I know I need help. this journal wouldn’t exist if i didn’t.
for a while I can buy myself almost anything my heart desires. before I decide to invest in my own place.
I don’t know where else you can go if you hate it here, you can’t go back to FBCL you know that. not with all the changes they have been making, none for the better of their staff. you know how you are in retail, you have to make this work at least until you can try again in virginia.
good luck. keep on keeping on.

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Chapter 12: don’t stop believing

don’t stop believing, is still easier said than done. I was contacted by the other job. the one closer to home. the one that is full time, and may pay very close to living wage. And I got it. I am hired. they contacted me much sooner than I had expected. and that day I was just overwhelmed, with only an inkling in the back of my head that it wasn’t all downhill quite yet. the following day the realization set it. i still need to try to stay at my current job for about 3 weeks, in order for my boss to have his vacation. so lately i am stressed, feeling as if i am being pulled in 2 directions. so i am stalling the new job as much as i can. hoping that all of the necessary paper work and etc will take up 3 weeks. which seems unlikely. but if i am hoping that i can tell them that i am giving my 2 weeks notice next week. and then there’s also the new places pay period, a new one starts every other monday. so i need to start with a new one. so i am hoping if i time this right everything will work out.
here’s hoping.

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Chapter 11: onto the next job, or into the wild.

Alright, so the position i mentioned last time, the one closer to home, i did get called in for an interview, so I will just keep waiting and hoping that i get it. although getting to this point was not so easy. I still feel like maybe i shouldn’t have told my current boss, because he’s been really making it about him, which i feel is unfair. and as i thought we were friends seems really lame. i love the bosses who i have had in the past who realize that i have to do what is best for me. unlike this one who is all like “hmm i hope you don’t leave while i am on vacation” “they said it may be after then” “they always say that…”
and it made me think, i mean it’s been building for a while now. but i am about to turn 35, and i am miserable, and nothing is going right, i still can’t support myself. and just about everyone i encounter is a jerk. i don’t know why i put in so much effort trying to make this work. so now i am starting to think, i may let myself give up in the foreseeable future. maybe once my mother passes away. I may run back up to virginia and find a way to live on the AT. maybe i can find a work for stay. because i really feel like i can’t stand this messed up world we made.
i just feel like all of this stuff, that we have to make life more enjoyable or easier might seem to make things better, but then you look around and life still sucks. we drive cars to get places faster, and usually the thought of getting into a car makes me anxious.
oh also, i’ve been trying to eat healthier and exercise, but it makes me miserable too, and why do i bother with that? i’m still a virgin, i’ve had one boyfriend. maybe if i just let myself enjoy food i would die happy.

so i am tempted to pull a Christopher McCandless and disappear off the grid somewhere.
because i think the only time “America” was great, was before Europeans discovered it, and ruined it, along with the rest of the world.

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Chapter 10: keep moving

well, I wasn’t even considered for the position in Virginia, although if I am honest I had a feeling it was too soon, and that I wasn’t prepared financially.
I did recently apply for a full time position that is closer to home, and I really hope i get that, with full time I could make it through the next two years (or more?) easier. It could help me get my own place here to save my sanity. not to mention that my current job has been wearing me down. Maybe I am not cut out for adult reference after all.

I don’t exactly like circulation any better but at least it would be full time, and I would not be so much in the spotlight, having to teach classes.

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chapter 9: looking up?

I am afraid to jinx anything. maybe someone out there is reading my blog and praying for me. thanks. I’ve been applying to other jobs thinking “well this might be an improvement” usually it is full time in a smaller town some distance away from Houston, or at least full time and nearby with pay so good it will make up for not being a library position. I was dwelling on this thought earlier today, and optimistic that maybe i could save enough that I could afford to try virginia again someday. I get home and check my email to see an alert from the system i used to work in, in virginia. A full time position just opened at a branch i had always hoped i could work at.
so i’ve applied, the pay isn’t great and there are few affordable houses nearby. also I wasn’t planning on moving back to virginia for 2 more years, so I don’t have enough money saved up yet. but this could be a great opportunity. so i will do whatever it takes if they pick me.
I really hope that they pick me.
I haven’t felt this good in months.

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Chapter 8: hello darkness my old friend

unfortunately my attempt to focus my energy and attention haven’t lasted long, and neither did my tax refund. i can no longer afford the gas to get me to places where I can legitimately hike. and I also somewhat panicked at the thought of “living” in the wild.
so unfortunately I have mostly relapsed into what i believe may be a depressive episode.
I greatly dislike my job, and currently feel as if i have little to no support system. this lead me to wonder why I feel the way I do about my friends. I have several friends who I feel i usually put up with because occasionally i enjoy their company, enough to overlook their flaws, most of the time. but time after time, it becomes apparent that they do not overlook mine. maybe I misspeak, but the people who should be my friends make me feel like an ugly idiot, and I know I am worth more than that. and i deserve people who cherish me enough to not drag me down over silly comments or my appearance. as to my appearance, one friend who i have known since we were 10 constantly comments “i wish you would let me give you a makeover” “why? so i can look pretty while we watch tv?”
i have a chance for a way out, i only hope this place hires me, i would have a full time job, with likely enough to support myself. i really hope i get it, i could use a new start. if anyone’s reading, pray for me?

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